lakewood

Fast Food Service

Lights, camera, action…If that’s the way your church service starts, there must be something wrong. That is WRONG. Lakewood Church is one of those megachurches becoming ever more popular in the U.S. Matter of fact, it’s not even a church, it’s a former sports facility turned holy place by bribing a corrupt City Council member. I guess, the bribe was slightly more than the 30 pieces of silver that Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus for but that’s just technicalities. Now, of course, they want you to believe it was an old friend of that City Council member that persuaded him to vote for Lakewood after several years of opposition but all I heard was *clickety-clank, clickety-clank, the money goes into his piggy bank*.

The Colgate-endorsed, Botox-injected Joell Osteen and his lovely wife Barbie (I don’t know if that’s her government name but you get the idea…) are the main attractions at this deftly-choreographed entertainment show they call service. It starts with a 30 minute musical introduction led by another one of those mass-fabricated slender blondes. Behind her she has six back-up singers, a band and a choir. She’s singing about…well, I forgot…but probably something about how great God is and how small we are as humans. I bet 90% of the people in there couldn’t tell you either but damn, were they dancing and clapping their hands. Shiny Happy People. Or was it Losing My Religion?

Who cares though, what’s more important is the message Joell is spreading. It goes like this: If anything good happens, it’s because God planned it that way. If anything bad happens, well…first of all, let’s forget for a second, better yet for the rest of our lives that bad things happen. Now, IF bad things DO happen, they probably don’t happen to the good people at Lakewood. But IF bad things DO happen to the good people at Lakewood, it must be a test of faith. But let’s forget these bad things for a second, better yet for the rest of our lives. Good things do happen because God wants it that way. You just have to believe in your Fuhrer, I mean, in God and he will open up all doors for you.

*And he will enlarge my bank account to the size of the budget for the war in Iraq because you dumb m_ther_u__ers are actually believing this crap I’m talking about and you are buying the books that I haven’t even written myself and the plastic crosses and the DVD’s and the key chains and all of our worthless but expensive paraphernalia. I pimped the sh_t out of Jesus. I am truly the Warren Buffet of this Christ sh_t.*

And the people love it like a fat kid loves cake.

*cues up In Da Church*

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go shorty, it’s your birthday

We gon’ pray to God like it’s your birthday

We gon’ sip wine like it’s your birthday

And you know we don’t give a fuck it’s not your birthday

You can find me in da church

Bottle full of holy water

Look mami, I got the Ex(odus) if you into reading stuff

I ain’t into having sex, I’m into spreading love

So come give me your checks if you’re into getting robbed